For all the pouty hipster mouths glued to the ass-tight pants of indie record stores and their supposedly "generous" return policies, I'm proud to say my lips will refrain from getting in on that action.
Not when I'm denied a full refund on virgin CDs never once removed from their cozy, plastic bag wombs.
Take a peek at many an indie music shop return policy: No refunds. Only store credit. And returns must be brought back within seven days.
Are these beloved shops trying to
trick me out of my money?
Where is my satisfaction guaranteed?
Yet despite this screwery, the part that draws drools from many consumers is that some stores offer a deal big-time corporate whore behemoths do not: 75% store credit on a return for any reason - helpful if parchance you bring a record home, deem it unfit even to line the bottom of a hamster cage and subsequently want to secure some capital toward a better musical choice.
It's a nice gesture, but inconsistent with the "are you sure you don't want my first-born as well?" no refunds policy.
Now I understand stores not wanting to have repeat run-ins with bargain bin craptastics like Tracy Bonham or NKOTB, or accepting returns of any used item for that matter.
But what if I purchase a brand new $30 vinyl of "In Rainbows" for a friend, pre-discovery of the fact that they already own a copy. Can't I return this unopened, totally sellable-for-full-price record for a complete refund so that I can buy said friend a strawberry ice cream cake instead?
According to Streetlight Records, Rasputin's and Amoeba, I am shit out of fucked. Break out the gyp stick and bend over.
And the stipulation that all defective merchandise be brought back within seven days?
What if "life" happens; I lag and don't bust out the latest Holy Fuck CD until eight days after purchase, only to discover that the CD itself is mechanically bunk?
Will they really refuse my demand for a functional disc? Let's be reasonable. I'd expect some forgiveness.
In the words of Jesus Christ and Uncle Jesse, "Have mercy."
All I'm saying is why not expand that defect policy to at least an entire month? Also, give back
all my money if, heaven forbid, I change my mind after buying a new item. Honestly, I am usually giddy leaving a record store and rarely have returns. It's just nice to have the option.
And the prices those power-mad geek swindlers behind the counter accord for trade-ins? Don't even get me started.
